Anxiety is Real and Learning about the New Me

So, to be totally transparent, I have never had a lot of empathy for anxiety issues, previously. It was not that I thought anxiety wasn't real, but I had never personally experienced it and thought that a certain level of attitude adjustment could help. I am now a believer and have gained an entirely new perspective. I feel badly that it took this to change my perspective, but I suppose that is all part of growing thru it. Originally, I was just experiencing anxiety about seizures but it increased to more generalized around seeing or speaking with people whom I haven't been around - mostly due to feeling overwhelmed and the challenge of differentiating those feelings from the pre-cursor to a seizure. I'm speaking with a therapist and was recently put on a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. If it helps, why not? I take a handful of meds and vitamins day and night now anyway, what's one more?

And, with this all happening during the pandemic, I know a lot of mental health struggles are happening for all kinds of people. Many questions are emerging as we begin to slowly come out of our safety bubbles - like, is that person vaccinated or safe to be near? What challenges did he/she/they endure in the last year that I may have been unaware of?

Learning the New Me

I have a lot of learning and acceptance to do of the "new me." My brain is quite literally not the same. I need to manage my energy - part of this is to ward off seizure activity. I am only able to focus on one thing/conversation/topic at a time - I get a little overwhelmed when too much is going on. For those reasons, I find myself holding back from entering conversations that may require too many questions or too much engagement. None of the above was the old me. I was all about being in busy environments with competing conversations, engaging with as many as possible, and trying to juggle it all. But, things change! So, I will adapt and try to set boundaries for myself and articulate what I need and can handle to those around and close to me. What does fitness look like or what do I want it to look like after this. It may not be Crossfit but will still include some kind of weight training, cardio, HIIT combination. What does adventure and travel look like in the coming year or two?

What is not yet known is how much of this is permanent, med side effects, brain fog from radiation (which can last up to a year after treatment), or chemotherapy - which I'm still firmly in the midst of.

But the truth is, I am not special - we all go through perspective shifts in life - events that totally change the way we see ourselves and the world:

- loss of child, parent, or spouse

- loss of self-defining job

- Serious illness

- Having a child

- taking on a caretaker role for a family member

- A year at home in pandemic

- divorce/breakup

- Social justice events that make you question how the world values you and each other

Other updates

Brad's PhD defense is in a little over 2 weeks!

I went for a consultation at a salon last week and he trimmed up my sides but said he can’t do much more until I have more length on top. It's just going to be hat life and slightly awkward hair for awhile

We had a great weekend with Mar and Lar last weekend. We kept it low key, mostly hanging out with the Golden Girls and watching the Masters. After being safe and smart to stay Covid-free, we hadn't seen each other in over a year - through my diagnosis, losing my Grandma to Covid, birthdays and Holidays, we are all finally fully vaccinated and could get safely together. I am so proud of my parents for following safety protocols and not giving in to social/peer pressure so that we can have many more healthy years together! We were so grateful that they made the long trip down to see us. It was SO great to see them and just be together.

My Dad carved us the most amazing little chicken, and my mom painted her. We love her so much!

Health updates:

My oncologist says because I'm tolerating it so well, we will continue with a full year of chemo - which should take us through October or November.

I have been through my second Avastin infusion and we will find out if it is affecting the swelling around my tumor after one more treatment in 2 weeks and a new MRI after that.