Waiting for Life to Restart

I think it's human nature to fall into the trap of thinking about life in terms of what's next, for example: "I'll be Happy When I..."

- lose the weight

- meet a partner

- have a child

- get my dream job

- finish school

- buy the house

- take the vacation

I feel like I have been in a similar holding pattern related to finishing chemo: I’ll get back to living normally when I finish treatment. But, that doesn't really work, now knowing that I will be taking it up until Thanksgiving. So, what can I do to now to keep living my best life - given the circumstances - while staying safe and managing my energy. Things that I can do:

- gardening or cooking a simple meal

- trying to get better at differentiating between anxiety, fatigue and pre-seizure feelings/symptoms

- maximizing my non-chemo weeks' energy

- What can i do for 5/10 mins at a time that isn’t laying in this couch and feeling tired/run down (stretching, folding laundry, make a call/send an email)

- watching for daily wins and small progress

- getting excited for feeling/seeing glimpses of what’s next - driving, riding my rad power

- leaving the house again for small outings - like going to Oh My Soul in Noda today for vegan food and draft kombucha on the patio

My workout buddy yesterday:

Other Wins:

• I pushed myself on a few recent peloton rides - I have been a little hesitant since my seizure on the bike. Since then, I have mostly just been doing low impact rides. This week I did 2 more difficult rides and pushed a little harder. I'm now 5 rides away from 500 rides (halfway to my millennium ride!)

• a couple of normal nights of cooking, eating (at the table) and cleaning up with Brad - something we’ve enjoyed since we first started dating, almost 5 years ago

Blackened Mahi Mahi with avacado mayo/lemon/dill sauce and salad - sourdough by Sprouts bakery

• Brad defends his dissertation on Thursday - crunch time! I know that I brag on Brad a lot, but the fact that he is finishing this year - In spite of increased chores because I'm not as helpful these days, personal stress, building the foundation of a financial literacy and wellness program at Charlotte, tending to our chickens, and doing all things to help me - which has included lots of working/writing after I fall asleep - it's very impressive to me.

• We have 2 weeks until our typical outer banks trip (obviously we were not able to go in 2020). It's a very low key week of reading, laying by the pool, watching sun rises, cooking and spending time with friends, Mar and Lar, and Mia. We can't wait!

• Our garden is largely planted and the other seeds are started

• I was just reading back through some of your comments and posts and comments on Brad's "4 Katie" page on Facebook. I am still so touched by all of your love and kindness throughout this journey. It really makes a difference in how we are able to face this.

Redefining Success

I was texting with a colleague last week about the evolution of my thinking on professional success. In my early career and prior to my last year of a forced perspective shift, I thought about attaining the next steps or titles above my current role. But, I wonder if we see so many unhappy or ineffective leaders becausê most never stop and consider what the day-to-day work is actually like in those roles. Will the work and tasks at that title/role bring me joy? Will I get to utilize my strengths and operate as the best version of myself? I really want my future professional self to consider the day-to-day joy. My job/colleagues have been so incredibly accommodating this year, but fundraising is largely judged by metrics. Which means, I get grace this year but I'll really need to crush my goals next year. But in favor of managing stress and staying present, I'm not yet promised next year, so I'll worry about the metrics part in the nearer future.

Health

I start my 5th round of chemo tomorrow - it will also be my first chemo round starting with an Avastin infusion (also Monday).

The way that I have felt this past week makes me very excited about how I might feel after chemo is finished. Brad always says, it's like the doctors know when you start to feel better and send the wrecking ball (chemo) back in.